Well, I haven't posted in forever. I just couldn't, not without talking about the miscarriage & I just wasn't ready to talk about it, much less say the word! These past few weeks have been so trying. I can honestly say that this event has been one of the most traumatizing situations Rusty and I have ever been through. We found out for sure that there was no baby in my uterus on Friday March 8th & I "gave birth" to the amniotic sack on Monday, March 11th at around 11:30 at night. The official term for our miscarriage is called a blighted ovum. An egg was fertalized and I had implantation bleeding, but if it is not healthy, sometimes your body will just absorb the egg while your uterus still thinks it is pregnant and continues to grow and your body continues to give off hormones. So it still thinks you are pregnant, but there is no baby growing.
To tell you the truth, I had so many clues that pointed towards this miscarriage, but I was in a happy place called denial. After about the first 7 or 8 weeks my breasts stopped being tender, I stopped having the crazy pregnancy dreams, I absolutely stopped craving the foods I had been wanting for weeks and I wasn't feeling hormonal at all. But, after reading and researching for weeks I decided that it was just going to be a really great pregnancy since it was the opposite of both my pregnancies before. Plus, I had two dreams. Both were miscarriage dreams. They both freaked me out, but I was also able to persuade myself that they weren't dreams given to prepare me, but just stress related dreams.
When we went to our Dr.'s office that Friday morning, the sonogram started and I immediately knew that my "baby's home" was growing no baby. It had actually shrunk since the last sonogram. I was shocked. There was no more denial, but just heartbreak. Rusty and I were so hurt. This was the first one we planned. I know that sounds funny, but we had never been financially stable when we had Hannah or Mallorie. With Hannah I was 18 and Rusty was 17 & still in high school, and with Mallorie we were married, but poor college students barely scraping by. Now, here we were planning to have another baby, saving money, looking for a bigger home, a bigger car, baby furniture, and it was taken away!
Now I know that God has a plan for everything and honestly that is the only thing getting me through. I have pretty much stopped crying, I'm in another place with my grieving right now. I am finding peace. Rusty has been everything I needed him to be through all of this. I don't know when we finally grew up, but I'm thankful for my husband & what God has done for us through all of this. I still ask for your prayers, because of course some days are better than others, but I am feeling better and better everyday. This type of miscarriage happens all the time, it the most common to have. That doesn't make it any easier, but it gives me comfort knowing that it isn't likely to happen again if we decide to try again. I am scared, but we'll see what God has planned.
Hannah and Mallorie are well. Mallorie cried, but they did better than I expected. I know that they try my patience at times, but I am so blessed to have my girls. They are so sensitive, but also at times show such strength, more than I would expect a six and eight year old to have. There are so many blessings to speak of, and I would love to continue to write them down. Please know that our family appreciates the prayers and the sweet things people have had to say to us. It has been amazing to me how many women have come to me and told me how many times they have been through these traumas, many much much worse than I have. No matter who it is or how horrible there story was though, they all agreed it was one of the worst times of their lives. We learn to appreciate what we do have & to love with all of hearts. I know that when I hurt or cry because I am sad, that Christ knows my hurts and is giving me so much comfort. I always try to remember to just give all things to Him. This was one of those things that I had to just hand over. Rusty has had to travel some during this situation, but it gave us time to think things through, & my mother was able to come stay with me while he was away in Japan. That was so needed because we got to just relax and she gave me such a wonderful gift of help. I have been so unmotivated to do anything with my house and she was such a huge help! Thanks Mom.
I'll post some Easter pictures soon. We went to our friends' the Campbell's house on Sunday for lunch and the kids got their candy fill hunting Easter eggs. It was a very relaxed day, which is exactly what we needed after Rusty being gone all week. Love you all & thanks for all the support.